Will You Feed Me??? I Don’t Trust YOU!

I spent 20 years working through fears, growing, reading, going to counseling, praying, practicing, reading more, growing more, and my marriage still ended.

Life isn’t fair.

I would have never chosen this path for myself. This was not what I wanted for my life. Who would?

My kids and the struggle of two households, wanting their normal and their family together. Who would choose this?

I spent most of 2023 wrestling and stumbling around as I worked through one of the most unnatural experiences of human existence, the breaking up of a family unit.

I didn’t want to pray for anything, ask for anything, “trust” God at all, what would it do? I had trusted, prayed, fasted, praised, wrote, read, and trusted some more for 20 years, and I am still here in this place that I don’t want to be. “I trusted YOU and look where it landed me. So, am I supposed to “trust” you now? Trust you for what?”

In the yuckiness of it all, I decided let me learn how to trust “myself” again. I had quieted the voice inside me, my instincts, my intuition, and always questioned myself, always second-guessed my decisions, or “pushed” through things when my body was saying “no.”

I decided I needed to listen to myself. Listen to my body or inner voice and what it was telling me. I needed to listen when my body was triggered, or when my gut or instinct was communicating something to me. To listen to the desires I have, and not quiet them. And to allow my heart a safe place to long, feel, and need.

I brought my close friends into this process; they watched, listened, and actively participated. One day I was second-guessing a decision, obviously not for the first time. And one of my dears said to me,

“Look back over the last year, every time you have made a decision and then went back and second-guessed it, or “tried” again, what has happened?” I said to her, “I was ‘”right” the first time.” She gently reminded me that yes, I CAN trust “myself.”

I didn’t look cute or pretty, walking this out. It looked painful, messy, and downright ugly at times. Yet, I am so thankful for the beautiful friends who have been placed in my life, who allowed me space to fumble through this painful experience.

Recently, one of them sent me a message saying, “I just want to remind you that our inclusion in YOUR process is a part of OUR journey of becoming.” –I was floored!

My becoming can directly affect your becoming, our becoming together? Isn’t this beautiful?

I have tried my best to reconnect with myself, and I have seen and experienced the change. My friends have encouraged me and are witnesses of seeing the change as well, and I am so thankful to reconnect with myself in this way.

Around the holidays of 2023, I hit a very low point, my first set of holidays as a single mom, and I was not prepared for the pain. One night, I was sitting crying with my parents, sharing, and their hearts broke with me, and they were spurred into action.

From this moment forward, God began to recapture my heart.

I witnessed the love of my biological Father for his beloved. I experienced the provision that goes before me. I felt the support and deep, deep love from my family and friends, love in action, love in service, love in words, hugs, kisses, and showing up for me over and over. I experienced Goodness all over my life.

I felt as if the Spirit of God showed me in a million ways that EVERYTHING I need is RIGHT here. RIGHT in front of me. You just have to receive it.

A new home built in 3 months, jobs, raises, The Priceless Project expenses covered, book sales, burdens lifted, meals, lots of meals, trips with friends, unexpected gifts, love, texts, phone calls, provision upon provision, goodness flowing through and into my life in EVERY way.

So many of us are so hard, so walled up, so cynical, so avoidant of vulnerability or need, that we cannot receive the goodness or the love that is set before us.

It is there, my friend, right there.

I did not want to trust God with my life anymore; I was done. Yet in 2024, my heart was recaptured as I experienced the banqueting table daily set before me, where I am invited to come and eat.

I have watched, experienced, and tasted the decadent feast, and I don’t want crumbs anymore. I want to live right here.

Here, where my needs are met, where love overflows, where provision is waiting for me, where miracles happen, where I have no need to worry, because my “Father” wants to give me ALL I need.

Consider the wildflowers clothed in all their beauty and the birds that do not toil or spin but set out each day to eat at the table that is before them. How much more will I be taken care of?

My dear, I understand the pain. I understand the desire to power through and figure it all out on your own. I understand wanting to have some control over your life; I get it.

I also know the sweetness of leaning back into the flow, into the stream of Life that promises you will never thirst again when you drink here.

There is a wellspring that can be drawn from; it wants to flow through you and into your life. It takes surrender to allow the ground of our hearts to be softened; it takes breaking. And when the ground is soft, the most beautiful beautiful things can grow.

Imagine a baby bird in a nest waiting to be fed. Now you lean back, open your hands, and allow goodness to flow freely into your life.

Relax your shoulders, breathe, unclench your fist, and open up; God, the Earth, and all its bounty will “feed” you.

From My Heart To Yours