Do Not “Stay and Pray”…

My marriage started falling apart two weeks after our wedding. I was 20 years old and a Junior in college. I ended up at one of my best friends’ dorm rooms that night, sleeping on a bunk bed, when just two weeks earlier I was walking down an aisle in my wedding dress.

Our dating relationship has been one of breakups and makeups, the “red flags” were there for both of us. But we were Christians, we loved God, and we had been taught “if you just keep God in the center, everything ”works”.”

The “signs” were there on both sides for him and for me, but neither of us would “listen.”

“Love” and my ideals of what I wanted, an African American, handsome, athletic, spiritual, educated man, was all I could see. And I pushed for what I wanted. Those older than us could see our needs were going to clash. And they did. But we moved forward despite others wiser than us, because that is what you do when you are 20 years old.

At the same time, the clash, the rub, the cycle of issues, pushed us both to evolve; it pushed, it squeezed, it pressed, it burned, it hurt.

I have found in life NOTHING changes until it HAS to, NOTHING.

Our need for comfort and security often feeds complacency, and a holding on to our current place or the familiar, or our zone of comfort.

Crisis or pain will demand change. It will demand a letting go of ideals, theologies, values, the way we thought life “should be” and will demand we face REALITY, and truth.

I found myself standing face to face with our pain, our humanness, and our weaknesses over and over.

And in those moments, we have a choice to make: “Will I remain in the same pain, or do I face the pain of change?”

As we limped through our first year of marriage, everything was the other’s fault.

Years two through three were very similar. And as young becoming adults many people had remedies and advice for us.

In our Evangelical church circles, NONE of the advice worked! None!

One of the most typical answers given would be “Well just keep praying.” Or “Are you praying for your husband?” “Are you praying the scriptures over your life? Have you tried prayer and fasting?”

The only thing the church could offer me to save my failing marriage was…

“Just Stay and Pray.”

That’s it!

And this is hopeless, religious, detached from reality, naive, mindless advice.

I get a bit passionate about this, because this type of thinking and the detachment from all other truth and science has ruined so many people’s lives. Good people who have needed real help. And ALL we could do for them was to tell them “To Stay and Pray” and “Watch God, change your husband or your wife.”

Do you know how change happens!?????

Because someone decides they MUST!

You CANNOT change someone and God (the author of free will and choice) will not change someone who does not WANT to change!

Change takes place in a surrendered, contrite heart. It takes place when you are soft and open, listening and ready to face the scariest parts of yourself!

It only takes place inside of YOU.

You cannot change someone else and God will not “change” someone else without their permission!

Year four was a turning point for me. We had already separated three or more times in our first 4 years of marriage, and I had to face myself and my role in our dynamic, and the expectations of life I carried.

I can remember distinctly a moment when I realized it was my job to become a “whole”, mature woman. And that this journey was mine to seek and walk out, and it did not depend on my spouse or the choices he would make.

I had a realization one day that my worth actually was not dependent on if my marriage “failed”. My relationship status did not determine my value. This catalyst pushed me to dive into understanding the issues woman face around their identity.

And I decided to change ME! That was ALL I could control. Myself.

My perspectives, my expectations, my reactions, my anxieties, and fears. Those were all mine, and I would face them.

And you know what happened!

I changed!

I grew!

I evolved!

My process of discovery for myself fueled my heart for other women and girls. I created The Priceless Project to teach others about their worth and identity and how our value is something that comes from within and is not dependent on others. Your value, your worth, your gifts, your purpose do NOT change, no matter what!

No matter if you are single, married, divorced, widowed, young, old, small, tall, short, round, curvy, slim, smart, simple, exotic, plain, brown, peach, gold, or red. Your worth was bestowed upon you and placed within YOU and NOTHING can take it away.

My marriage lasted a long time. We faced ourselves over and over. It did what intimate relationships should and always do, they reveal and hold up a mirror. And you have a choice to make: “Do I face myself or not?”

I will never look at my marriage and feel like a “failure”; it was one of the greatest successes of my life, because it transformed me and made me into the woman I am today and I am pleased with the result. I am thankful for the journey. And I am so glad I can now say, I am even thankful for the pain.

My dear, don’t ever just “Stay and Pray” for someone else to change. No, the only way is for YOU to Change and Change, and Change. We must truly become “new creations,” allowing the “old” to pass away/die, and embrace ALL things BECOMING new in YOU!

Even the Christ, *despising the shame, bore the cross/the pain, for the Joy that was set before him and was perfected/made complete/whole IN the suffering. The wholeness you are longing for comes through the pain my dear.

Together we are going to see the changes we want to see in our lives. I am with you on the journey of becoming all we were created to be!

From my heart to yours,

emilyjfrench.com