I Don’t’ Want to Be Single…

I have heard this idea, and it is even taught. It has been said so often and has been used so much that people quote it and believe it. It is the idea that you have to “learn to be okay alone.”

I understand some of where it comes from, maybe the idea of learning about yourself and your own issues and patterns, and having a sense of self-worth and not being dependent on others to give that to you. To have a sense of intrinsic worth and esteem in and of ourselves. I even teach these practices to women and girls in The Priceless Project, but the idea out of balance distorts the truth and is so unnatural.

I would even argue that it is more challenging to learn to be “Okay” IN RELATIONSHIP.

Cause here is what happens, we enter into relationships, and we HURT each other. We misunderstand each other, we think the worst, we miscommunicate, on and on, and it is easy sometimes to withdraw, walk away, say forget it!

It is hard to look someone in the eyes and say, “That hurt me” or “I am sorry I should have done that differently.”

We are hurt IN- relationship, and we heal IN-relationship. We heal when we experience something different, when people stay, when they don’t give up, when they love you through your ugliest days.

Here is what a few psychologists have to say:

“The work isn’t separate from the relationship. The relationship is the work.” Irvin Yalom

“It is easier to become yourself when you know someone’s there for you.” Mary Ainsworth

“You heal when someone stays…and you start to believe they will.” Sue Johnson

“The right relationship won’t just comfort you, it will change you. You don’t grow away from

people. You grow through them.” Carl Jung

I hate being single; I am a relationship girl. I believe that we need a place to pour our love and to be loved and belong. It is needed for our health and overall well-being.

While I navigate the single life, I would also argue that good, healthy, healing, fulfilling relationships can happen all around us, in many different ways.

The most healing relationships in my life are a few friends who have shown me what unconditional love looks like and feels like.

Recently, I had a really really hard moment with a crisis in my family. I was a mess, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was sitting at home alone and needed a refuge. One of my best friends had her son home from college and I knew they were having family time, they also knew what I was facing.

I sat anxiously, trying to decide what to do. Finally, I built up enough courage to call, I shyly said: “

“Hey, what do you all have going on? Can I come over?”

The answer, “Yes, absolutely, there is breakfast and coffee waiting for you.” When I arrived, I was met with a hug, and I said, “I am so sorry, I feel like you all always have to deal with my messes.” With a hug and a kiss, my bestie said,

“We are here for the messes!”

Tears…

Later that evening, I was with my other bestie and filling her in on all that had happened that day. I told her about going to our friend’s house that morning and the love and support I received from them.

She said, “I am so glad you called them; we wouldn’t want you to be alone.”

I continued to express how I felt bad as I feel they are always having to deal with the mess of my life. My bestie looked me in the eyes and said,

“You are not a burden to us.”

So many tears as we hugged each other and cried together.

This is love.

Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres, love never fails.

Love heals.

We don’t heal out of relationship, my dears, we heal in it.

We heal through vulnerable, scary, messy, hard, persevering, transparent, love.

I want this for you, a place of total freedom, where you can bring your whole self into the light and be accepted, a place of grace, a place of truth, an honest place. To be fully you and belong. Where you can experience LOVE as a deep, cleansing, satisfying, healing balm to your soul.

Be the friend you need, be the love you need for someone today.

From My Heart  to Yours!