Like gnats at dusk…. spit that Sh-t out! I have been running in the evenings these days. It is a nice change, as the chorus of locust cheer me on and the fireflies put on a sparkle light show. But the gnats, ya’ll! What is their purpose in life? Why do they swarm in bunches of tens and twenties? Why don’t they disperse and spread out? There is nothing worse than hitting that swarm of gnats and having one fly right into your eye only to be squished by a rapid-fire blink. Or for a gnat to get sucked in through your violent inhale only to rocket to the back of your throat causing you to gag and almost throw up trying to get the gnat out. Yuck! It is so gross.
I started pondering the way the body reacts to that gnat that finds its way inside the body! It is a strong, rebuttal, and obstinate reaction, it refuses to allow that small little particle of protein enter. You don’t have to think about it, the body just does its work. The body knows this does not belong here, it rejects it and does everything in its power to get that gnat out!
I started thinking about the thoughts I struggle with on a regular basis. Thoughts that bring me back to pain, thoughts that steal my hope, that bring fear, that steal joy out of my ordinary moments and replay my insecurities like a scratchy record. Why do I let them take up residence in my body and corrode my spirit? Why do I allow the record to spin over and over and over and even flipping the darn thing over and play the other side? Why do I allow this?
Sometimes our sickness can be the most comforting thing. Sometimes our own sickness is so familiar it becomes like default programming. Sometimes our sickness feels so much like home we don’t even realize we are sick.
I want to get to the place where I am so aware and in tune with the thoughts I am swirly around inside myself and my emotional state that I reject anything that does not belong. Not a ridiculous act like “everything is fine” and “name it and claim it living”, but a living that says, “really, you again, like we have been here done this, I am a grown woman, no need for you, no need for this joy killing, spirit breaking, keep me small and powerless type of thinking! I ain’t got time for this!”
I want to ruthlessly reject the gnats that come flying at me from nowhere and spit that sh-t out!
Photo: Eric James Haschke