When a Marriage Should End…

I recently was in Colorado and toured the Argo Mill and Mine. It was fascinating hearing about the mine that was built in the 1800’s, seeing the process, taking in the old structures, and hearing the stories of the people that worked in the mine. The mine was a dangerous place to work and the life expectancy for those in that area was 38-42 years old.

I just turned 41 and feel like I have a lifetime ahead of me, yet just a little over 200 years ago making it to 41 would have been an achievement. This is not uncommon when you look back in history to see the life expectancy was in the 40’s.

I was married for 19 years and if I lived 200 years ago I would be about ready to die now at 41. Many of us find ourselves in a similar scenario, the ideals of forever, yet faced with a 10, 15, 20-year marriage that ends. The picture that has been idolized is a marriage that last a lifetime, yet how long is a “lifetime?” For the town of Idaho Springs in the Rocky Mountains, a lifetime looked very different.

Over the 19 years of my marriage, we did the hard work of interrelating and we did so with transparency. I shared my struggles, fears, weaknesses, and shortcomings with those close to me and I was always honest about the struggles within my marriage as two young babies tried to figure out how to make marriage work.

Over the years I also walked with numerous women/men as they dealt with their own relational sh%t and tried to figure out how to do this thing we call marriage. And this is what I have learned.

Many marriages should END and here is why…

So often marriages are entered into for the WRONG reasons. So so many wrong reasons.

“We were staying abstinent in our dating relationship, and we rushed to get married because we wanted to have sex.”

“Her parents were insisting she go off to college and she didn’t want to leave so we got pregnant on purpose. And then got married”

“I was young, and I thought if I just married a Christian man everything would work, “a couple that prays together stays together”, right?”

“He was stationed near me in the military, I had daddy issues and I saw how amazing he was with kids, we only knew each other for a few weeks but we just did it, we tied the knot.”

“I never felt I loved her as much as she loved me, but she was a good woman and I thought it was “the right thing to do” so we got married.”

“We had our issues or what people now call “red flags”, but I thought once he proposed that the commitment to work through things would carry us. Then the ball was rolling, and the wedding was being planned and it is a ball you feel you can’t stop so I just went through with the wedding.”

“I had been taken advantage of on a date and he showed up for me in my time of need. He swept in full of valor and I felt protected, it felt like I was being rescued and we rushed and got married.”

Every single one of these scenarios is real. Real life stories of real people. And they are all WRONG.

None of these people should have entered into a marriage union yet we do it ANYWAY. And then our marriages don’t work because they were set up to fail RIGHT from the START.

We enter into relationships that we have been taught are supposed to last and we have built the relationship on crumbling sand, there is no foundation. There is nothing to build on, because right from the start we entered into this “LIFELONG” commitment for the WRONG reason.

The emphasis put on making a marriage work FOREVER is what keeps most of us sick, stuck, and spinning in confusion. We don’t know what to do when this flimsy union begins to deteriorate.

There is so much shame, blame, and pain that surrounds these unions and we try so hard to battle our way through but my dear it will never work if there is not a FIRM foundation to build on.

You might say, “Emily, that isn’t true, I know of people who got married for a wrong reason and they are still together.”

And I would say, “Are they healthy, whole, happy, thriving, loving, kind, or is there any life in them?”

Because if our HIGHEST value is longevity and JUST staying, then yes lots of people are “still married” and very unhappy, unhealthy, disintegrating people.

As I have navigated these waters and walked with many others, I would implore us to desperately scrutinize our value system and our cultural norms and reject the standards that have been equated with holiness.

When people are faced with dealing with the consequences of their choices, when it becomes clear that the relationship cannot continue, it takes enormous amounts of courage to go against our cultural standards and break a marriage union. It is painful because it is death.

If you come in contact with someone who is having to make this decision for their life, please don’t say….

“Well, I hope you keep trying”

“I really hope you work it out”

“What about your children? They need their mom and dad, look at the statistics.”

“I am so sorry, have you all done counseling, do you want me to talk to your spouse, do you need a marriage retreat, do you need to just keep praying? Have you tried fasting?”

“Well, I will be praying that there is a miracle and you all change your mind.”

Don’t say this crap!!!! Do you know for some people the biggest miracle in the world is leaving the relationship, being free of the unhealthy or abusive environment, or moving on to a place where they can breathe, be healthy, and find joy and peace again?

Sometimes the biggest “miracle” is finally having the courage to “quit.”

If someone comes into your sphere who feels they need to end a relationship say something like this…

“I know this had to be such a hard decision, and I am for you.”

“I know this took so much courage, I am proud of you.”

“I am sorry for the loss and so sorry you have to go through this”

Or just a simple “I don’t know what to say or what you need, but I love you.”

To all my courageous love warriors out there that have fought for your life, your health, your children, and your own heart. I am with you. It is not an easy road, yet I believe we can and will thrive as we seek to live with our minds, hearts, bodies, and souls fully integrated and fully alive.

No one sets out in life to choose this path. And those that find themselves on it, are the bravest souls I know. Let’s learn, let’s grow, and let’s enter into scared marriage unions differently. So so differently so we can bring change and seek change for this next generation. The battle is worth it, you are worth it, your heart is worth it, your health is worth it.

From my heart to your

Book Coming Soon “Maybe It’s Gravity- Seven Thoughts on Marriage and Endings”

#thepowerofvulnerability#becoming#becomingme#growing#iampriceless#griefjourney#healingjourney